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june 15, 2001 // //

thursdays are volleyball and margarita night at the sports page. normally i don't join them since i don't play but i went this time to meet D before he left for europe. it was nice seeing him. i think the last time i saw him was on my birthday... i feel a bit guilty because he's been asking me to have lunch whenever i'm free (and technically, i'm always free) but the truth is, i'm too lazy to drive to stanford. i guess that's also why i haven't seen denise or christy yet, either. i just don't feel like taking the initiative to plan a lunch.

it was nice seeing D again. we were hanging out at the patio. i was telling him about what happened the night my family was supposed to go up to mt. shasta and rather than showing some sign of simpathy or understanding, he made some comments that i felt were really insensitive. i couldn't talk to him anymore because my feelings were hurt and there was an awkward (and long) silence but i just couldn't get myself to start talking to him about something else as if nothing was wrong. but i also couldn't tell him that he hurt my feelings. i guess i don't feel all that comfortable saying something like that to him. i mean, i consider him one of my good friends but i guess there are certain things that i should keep to myself rather than sharing them with him.

//

the guys played til about 10:30 and then a few of us went to in-n-out. i realize that i don't really enjoy the company of men. well, maybe just this particular group of guys, since there are plenty of other times where i'm the only woman in a group of men and still have a great time. individually they're not so bad, but once they're together, they revert back cto a bunch of immature, hormonal high school boys talking about pretty/hot/cute girls (of course, not women) that are out of their league.

i wouldn't ask them to censor what they say around me, because it's not just a matter of, "i don't care what you act like when you're alone, just don't do it around me." it's true that i don't want to partake in mundane discussions about how it's "impossible" for them to stop looking at women, who's "hot", who's not, and whether it's disrespectful to one's girlfriend to check someone out in her presence, blah blah blah. it's pretty annoying for them to look at other women like they're all tits and ass. it's not about being politically correct. i think they should stop and think about their behavior and attitude and in ways they participate in creating a hostile environment for women. also, if this is how they treat and look at women, how do they feel about other guys doing this to their girlfriend/sister/cousins or nieces? i know i'm very selective about who i choose to surround myself with and spend time with. more i spend time with these guys, i realize i don't enjoy it. i miss my friends... choonhwa, shena, t, grace, but most of all, ______.

listening:
me'shell ndegeocello's bitter. i really dig it.

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