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august 16, 2001 //untitled//

Dyed my hair again and i hate it. i should've kept it red as long as i could but instead i got bored with it and dyed it plum except it feels too dark and i feel sad that nothing, nothing, even my hair color, is turning out the way I want them to. a little voice in my head is telling me that getting a tattoo might make up for a horrible dye job. and as illogical as it sounds, it might make me feel better. now there are patches of blond (from bleaching the roots), red (the temporary coloring), and orange (from the red temporary dye washing out with shampooing) underneath all that dark plum colored hair. I feel like crying.

and yes, my only accomplishment for the day is getting those roundtrip tickets to ny for $145 but other than that i got absolutely nothing done. isn't that how you imagine my day to be? i applied the hair dye, sat in front of the computer like a good little girl, and kept trying--$130... $140... $145... and waited 15 minutes in between to see if they've accepted my offer. for this i risked my hair falling out from leaving the dye in too long and because of this my scalp still stings from leaving the dye in too long. but then, i didn't "have" to do that, right? i didn't "have" to but i always end up doing it.

you told me to "disregard" what you say. how is it so easy for you spit shit out and then tell me to pretend you didn't say it and i didn't hear it? sometimes i think i should disregard you completely.

i'm not going to bring up other issues right now because i know that i'm upset and i'll only be saying them to hurt you. you could be so insensitive and unsupportive at times but never want to admit it. i'd rather not talk to you until i absolutely have to so i won't be answering your calls until Sunday.

reading:
- Preacher (by Garth Ennis and Steve Dillon)

it's so addicting i can't stop reading it. despite the fact that it's laden with machismo, nationalism, (white) american masculinity, gore, sex and violence, i've gone through 2 volumes like it was nothing. 2 down, 7 more to go. lucky for me, niem has all 9! it made my day.

future project:
* pillow case skirt

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