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august 21, 2001 //september's almost here//

perhaps it's best to remain silent and still. faded memories of you and our embraces are best kept hidden away, folded not so neatly in my heart.

.

entertwined breadth and limbs. too many lies i had to tell in order to stay true to my heart. the year you cried in front of the window on a rainy day as i lay in bed, the year that left us confused, guilty, and ecstatic, was also the year you never received my letter. The aftermath was 1996. the year of rehab.

it must've been god's way of punishing me.

catering to my random impulses made me feel, at times, much more stronger than I felt inside. but none of them came close to ever touching my heart the way you did. and after everything was over with, I thought I could remain tender and beautiful. such foolish thinking was in 1997.

all i ever wanted was to remain forever beautiful in your eyes. strawberries, raspberries, blackberries, blueberries. everything but persimmons.

.

I believe I was once in love. I fell entirely in love with you just as you were falling out of love with me. I know now what it was. I knew it all along but didn't want to admit it. Because it would mean that I was a burden. too much for you to deal with. a constant reminder of the unresolved pain. I understand now. but maybe you had me confused with someone else. there's a part of me that wants to believe that.

And deep down inside, it may not be you that I so painfully miss, but the fevered states of longing, hurting and loving that I fear I might never experience again.

.

September's almost here.

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