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091701_part II
091701_part I


september 20, 2001 // FAQ on the WTC //

FAQs on the WTC
Will Durst - WorkingForChange

Frequently Asked Questions about the World Trade Center Bombing...OR "Why Gary Condit is the luckiest man alive"

Q. At a surreal time like this, how does humor help us cope?
A. Think of this mindboggling assault as a giant bean bag chair we're forced to carry as we go about our daily business. The only thing humor does is help put a handle on it.

Q. But surely there's nothing amusing about a tragedy of this dimension?
A. Of course not. But we all have our job to do and mine is rooting out the items emanating even the faintest aroma of irony, like when Mayor Giuliani cautioned all New Yorkers to remain calm, unless they lived below Canal Street.

Q. Anything else?
A. Yeah, my favorite crawl was on MSNBC: "NYC reports no unusual looting." Apparently, there was just the normal summer Tuesday night load.

Q. What are the possibilities of rebuilding the World Trade Center?
A. Talk is circulating of constructing not just twin but triplet towers with the middle one 50 stories taller positioned latitudinally so it looks like we're flipping off Afghanistan.

Q. Can we be positive this catastrophe was the responsibility of Islamic Fundamentalists?
A. No, of course we can't be sure, yet. It could have been Iceland. For all we know, they're still pissed at us for making Bjork wear that silly swan dress.

Q. Might there not be real long term problems if, in our lust for revenge, we rush to judgment?
A. Without doubt. Don't forget Oklahoma City. Foreign terrorists were suspected because bystanders reported two Middle Eastern-looking guys running from the scene. Well, come on, wasn't everybody running from the scene? Besides, what does Middle Eastern-looking mean in Oklahoma City? "They had curly hair, and they weren't wearing no baseball caps at all, and I'll tell you something mister, they had a tan on both of their arms. It was eerie."

Q. Americans physically recoiled from the shots of Palestinians shooting guns, honking horns and handing out candy after news of the bombing. What was up with that?
A. The thinking goes, they might have mistakenly employed Gary Condit's old public relations people.

Q. What about Gary Condit?
A. The luckiest man in America
A. Said to be considering running for re- election again.

Q. What's the worst part of the Pentagon crash: the destruction, the death toll or the possibility of compromised national security?
A. Actually, its having Pentagon officials asses their own damage estimates: "Considering the quantity of four hundred dollar hammers and sixty dollar screws required, we conservatively calculate the costs of repairs will exceed a minimum of four gazilliondy dollars."

Q. Do any analysts believe Saddam Hussein was involved?
A. Doesn't matter, we're going to kick the crap out of him anyhow. Think Pavlov.

Q. Wasn't it eerie how all eyewitnesses remarked on the cinematic nature of the tower crashes?
A. Yeah, I know, where the hell was Bruce Willis when we needed him?

Q. Speaking of MIA, what happened to Dick Cheney?
A. I thinking the conversation might have gone like this: "Dick, I'm sorry, but what better wartime consigliore is there than my father?"

Q. Of all the correspondents, who should we trust the most?
A. Well, Andrea Mitchell is married to Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan, so there is always speculation when she cites an unnamed source, she's referring to notes taken naked and horizontal.

Q. Did Jerry Falwell really blame the attack on gays for causing God to forsake America?
A. Yeah, but don't forget this is the same guy who claimed the purple Teletubbie is a homosexual recruiter. I suspect in a previous life Falwell was a re-usable pinata at an El Paso gay bar.

Q. Are Americans equipped to fight this kind of a war?
A. One problem is Americans can't even conceive of suicide terrorists: "Well, how do they get paid? Is it a union deal? Obviously they don't have a decent dental plan."

Q. Any chance these guys might succeed in their attempt to destroy America as we know it?
A. Are you kidding? You can't destroy America
A. America isn't just a nation, its a notion, its an aspiration, its a dream. You never hear people talk about the Afghanistanian Dream, now, do you? Except for bearded hermit asthmatics with a fetish for uneducated women dressed as beekeepers.

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